Sylvia and Ken Davis of Minneapolis, Minn. adopted Sylvia’s cousin, Lamar, when he was 3. The couple decided to adopt Lamar, born with a drug addiction, when they saw him withdrawn and malnourished at another family member’s home. Like many confused adoptees, Lamar started to ask questions when he was very young. Once, while he and Sylvia were looking at his baby book, he realized his “brothers” had more baby photos than he did. Sylvia seized the moment to explain a few things.

The Davises are among a fast-growing number of people who care for a relative’s children in their own homes. According to the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (NAIC), there are more than 1.3 million American children being raised by relatives who are not their biological parents. Many of these relatives aren’t prepared when the moment arrives for “the talk.” They may struggle for words, succumb to anger or blame or attempt to cover up the truth.

Jill’s Story
Jill Marcus of Orlando, Fla. was adopted by her grandparents but not told the truth until she was 12. By the time her grandmother, who Marcus thought was her mom, sat her down for the talk, Jill had already figured out she was adopted. Not until that day did she discover that the girl she’d grown up with, as a sister, was actually her mom.

“I was instantly transformed from a young innocent to a raging, confused kid,” says Marcus. “To add insult to injury, I was told that no neighbors, supposedly, or other family knew, and I was also to keep the secret. The unspoken rule was we don’t talk about this shameful secret anymore. So, I acted out.”

If Marcus could change her circumstances, she would’ve preferred to be told the truth early – at age 2 or 3.

Timing is Everything
The best time to begin talking about adoption is when the child joins the family, recommends Marlou Russell, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist from Santa Monica, Calif. and the author of Adoption Wisdom: A Guide to the Issues and Feelings of Adoption. “Families should provide honest and clear information that the child can process early on,” she says. “Welcoming a child to the family and acknowledging their complete journey, including time spent with the birth family, is important.”

Social worker Carmita McGlory of Minneapolis, Minn. agrees that adopted children need information they can understand at the earliest possible age. “Between the ages of 3 and 10, parents should be working to help their adopted children define family roles, answer questions and feel loved,” says McGlory, program director and licensed social worker at the African American Adoption Agency, which specializes in relative adoption.

How did Davis decide when was the right time? She let the questions Lamar asked dictate how she and her husband shared information. They’ve made a pact never to lie and to always explain things slowly in a way Lamar can understand.

In some cases, parents shouldn’t wait for the child to start asking questions, says Russell. “It’s the adoptive parents’ responsibility to bring up the topic," she says. "Adoptees typically have many more questions about adoption than they ask. They don’t want to hurt their adoptive parents’ feelings.”

Not Like You Planned
Unfortunately, adoptive parents can’t always maintain complete control over how and when their child is told he or she is adopted, which is another reason to be proactive about initiating the adoption discussion. “You’ll have a hard time avoiding or controlling what often turn out to be cruel remarks or innuendos, but were not intended to be cruel,” according to an NAIC article. “That will just be part of the territory, so you will have to be thick skinned, positive and forgiving.”

Initially, the Davises had problems with extended family giving Lamar misinformation, which has since been resolved. Davis had to reassure Lamar of her love when others telling him she wasn’t his mother upset him. “We need to continue to build a common voice in our extended family,” says Davis. “Relative adoption often involves a lot of brokenness and hurt; that is something we are working to repair and rebuild. At the same time, your family is your family. You’ve got to love them for what they are. They are an important part of this process.”

Healing in Truth
Although the truth is often complex, it undeniably helps children and families work toward forming more healthy bonds, says McGlory. Initially the consequences of informing an adoptive child of kin relationships can mean fear and confusion. Then comes a sense of belonging. “Adoptees fantasize about birth parents if they aren’t in the picture,” says Russell. “Having a relationship or knowledge about birth family members helps the adoptee construct who they are and who is meaningful in their lives.”

Children will understand that they were chosen and are valued by their extended family. “They often feel a closer connection to the full relative network,” says McGlory. ”They more clearly understand the roles of the birth parents, adoptive parents and other extended relatives. This builds security and reduces confusion.”

Marcus needed to hear the truth. She says she needed to know her parents weren’t ashamed of her or of her birth mom. She needed to know that the truth about her family was more important than lies and appearances. “I understand how devastating unhealthy family and parental behavior can be on children,” she says. “A child picks up all those subtle and not-so-subtle cues from their caregivers – shame, secrecy, lies and half-truths. They affect a kid’s self esteem, beliefs and behavior.”

After years of therapy and heading back to school mid-life for a degree in mental health counseling, Marcus says she’s much more compassionate and understanding than she was at age 12. In fact, she’s seriously considering adopting a child herself. “The truth is the only way," says Marcus. "I will positively handle it early, often and openly.”

Want to see more?

• Domestic Adoption: Building A Family
• A Happy Ending: Our Adoption Experience?
• Gift Giver: Profile of a Surrogate Mother
• Bonding With Your Adopted Baby: Ten Tips
• Talk about it!